It's time to get a little personal... I never dated as a te..
Published: March 8th 2023, 9:50:09 pm
It's time to get a little personal...
I never dated as a teenager. Quite frankly I look back on my life and thank the celestial gods that I never dated someone then. I was not the most healthy person in school. No, that doesn't mean fat. It was mostly hygiene. I'd almost say I was allergic to it because every day was a fight whenever my family begged me to be clean, but I hated showers, more than half the time I'd forget about deodorant, and I loathed brushing my teeth. Every piece of health was another moment that made my skin crawl, and I am so thankful I never had the opportunity to be with someone and become their bad teenage memory. But that thought never occurred to me then. It wasn't until I took care of my body I started to realize that. Instead, I never dated because I wasn't ready. Simple as that. And yet, I can't help but feel that I'm not allowed to date because of it.
My biggest question on my mind at the time was of my sexuality. I knew I wasn't straight. Thank the gods for that, but I didn't have the vocabulary to understand what I am until a few years ago. At the time, my school was very into labels. The Straight-Gay Alliance was a recent club that was gaining steam and everyone was pairing up with each other. I watched as my friends started their dating life, ruin it, and then move on to a new girl. But I was still at the starting line trying to figure out which lane I belonged to. I tried a few labels that I thought would fit. I worried about my friends accepting me. Though my biggest fear was that I was mislabeling myself.
I still remember when I came out to my best friend in 11th grade. I texted him that I was gay (at the time that was my best guess at my sexuality) and he texted back like it was no big deal. Which should have made me feel good if his text weren't in the tone of interrupting his day. (Honestly, I haven't had a good coming-out situation)
But that made me feel accepted and I came out to more friends and there didn't seem to be any problems until I felt I wasn't gay. That's when the friction in my friend group really started. I tried going with Bisexual for a time, but that too didn't feel right. All the while as I was trying to figure myself out my friends became increasingly impatient with me. It seemed the more I didn't understand myself the more they didn't understand why I was with them. After the second year of college, none of them stayed as my friend. I could see things drifting apart, but some incident I wasn't involved with fractured our friend group so severely that we all broke apart without me realizing it. The biggest lesson I learned from them was that I could not come out to anybody without being 100% sure of what I am.
I guess that's why I didn't date in college either.
A few years after graduating college a worldwide pandemic hit and I start to come to terms with my sexuality again. This time I was chronically online and learned so much about different sexualities I finally felt I had enough vocabulary to 'define' myself. Unfortunately, learning about myself made me feel worse...
As far as I can tell, as of this moment I can say that I am Asexual Biromantic who is sex-positive. So not only am I in the lower percentage of the LGBTQIA+ community, but I'm in a small percentage of that small percentage since most asexuals identify as aromantic too.
I don't like talking about it. There are too many people who assume asexuals don't want/have sex that as soon as they hear that from someone the conversation stops and they're floating in the wind again. To add to my anxieties I am approaching 30 with intrusive thoughts telling me that I missed my chance, nobody would have sex with let alone date someone who is a virgin this late in life, etc.
The worst part is my body is craving intimacy. It took so long for my mind to come to terms with what I am that my body has become essentially touch-starved. I can count on one hand how many people have hugged me in the last two years and I can't help but feel the few relationships I hold onto (between friends and coworkers) have made me feel even more isolated.
Even if I found someone to date, when it gets to the sex part who would want an inexperienced person? Even if it's something casual, why would they get with someone who probably wouldn't be able to get them off?
Sex for me isn't a goal. Even though I've never had it, in my mind I view it as a bonding activity. That's probably why the people who I feel safe having sex with are those I consider friends. It's not inherently part of a relationship. Sex is neither a goal nor the start of something for me. It's a way to be closer to the ones I love.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I feel like it went to shit in the end, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I've had a lot of feelings lately and needed an outlet to share my anxieties.